Turmoil....  

Posted by Shane B.

My poor boyfriend... He deals with all the craziness that goes on in my head... My boyfriend is the epitome of Mr. Stable. Me... I use to be Mrs. Stable.. until one day I realized that my life.. it ceased to have meaning.. I lost track of it all.. what was and is truly important in any of this dot period that is my life in this time and in this space. so I decided to go awaken my soul... only to later find that I missed the stability of having a job and a steady income and a steady place to call home.. I came back.. prematurely.. and now, I feel the pains of all this... My soul is half awake.. and it taunts me at night that this is not my life.. I find myself constantly discontent with everything that surrounds me.. and I can't help but wonder when did I become such a complainer? I feel like that is all I ever do these days in this city to my boyfriend to my friends... my poor boyfriend.. I am blessed for his patience.. he keeps asking me.. "what is it that you want?!" Answer: Nothing, Everything...

I shall post this entry as a reminder to myself one day that this was all part of my life's journey.. and when the day comes when I have found peace with my life, I shall remember this road I took and all the scorching gravel I laid my feet upon to find my way home...

This entry was posted on 10/30/10 at 10/30/2010 01:32:00 AM . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

2 comments

wumanjoo  

Hm, I find myself wanting to respond to this, but not sure how...

Do you think inner turmoil and discontentment is simply a part of what makes you, you?

I used to feel split apart in pieces, and I thought my goal was to find a sense of wholeness. I realized a couple of years ago that the goal is not wholeness but to find peace with all my split-up parts. I don't know if that makes any sense, but that shift in thought has made all the difference to me. I hope you find your answer soon just so you don't drive your boyfriend and friends crazy! :-)

11/6/10, 4:22 PM
Shane B.  

Thanks Joo for this post.. I am trying to accept this unsettled part of my life and I know at the end I will find peace and meaning in all this..

but as for turmoil and broken pieces just being me.. yes, it is a part of me because it exists.. but whether it should continue to be a part of me is where I question.. we are all changing and we will continue to change.. and unless you try to change it will remain a part of you.. I don't want to make peace with certain turmoils because that means it will remain in one form or another.. I want to strive for answers and meanings even if it takes a lifetime..

I do understand, however, that there are some turmoils that you must make peace with because you will just not win...for those, I do make peace because that is the only way to move on.. but for me .. this present discontentment is not one of the turmoils.. I believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel..and I will find it! ;)

11/10/10, 5:00 AM

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