Digging it...

Every time I peruse the Etsy sight I can't help but wonder, will there be a time when we will no longer step outside our homes to get what we need? of course, my mind then wanders to the thought of how the real estate market would then just plummet with all the commercial real estate vacancy.. I see that already in Los Angeles.. you go down Sunset Blvd and it seems like every other store is for rent.. back to my point.. I can spend a whole day, or even a whole week looking through etsy and finding all these adorable and creative things that people have made... and then I step outside my home and I see all the commercial mass produced crap in the stores and I go back to feeling uninspired. How do things so shitty make its way to the masses? This goes beyond retail.. 3 words: Freddy got fingered... Shouldn't there be a point when a person should just stop and be like "what the hell are we doing?!" Ugh! Obviously not...

Anyhoot, when I see creative no-names getting their stuff out there through sites like Etsy, a little dash of hope sparks my cynical heart.. no more waiting for that day hoping for a big name company or a studio to come and recognize your potential.. you want to make art, you make it and release it yourself! Power to the people!!





Courtesy of : BeanTownHandmade

It is way past my bedtime yet I feel the need to write this entry on love... yes, love..

Tonight I recall a late evening in the summer of 2008.. I was sitting up in my bed in the middle of the night in total and complete anguish.. I remember looking up at the ceiling with tears profusely rolling down my face as I cried and pleaded for the pain in my heart to stop.. stop completely as if through divine intervention I would cease to feel anything at all... this was the first time ever I made such a plea as a result of a gravely wounded heart.. I was madly deeply unequivocally in love with a man.. he was my soul mate..the man I would one day start a family with and grow old together... I had never loved a man so much and adored someone as much as I did he..... unfortunately, "us" was not meant to be.. so my heart broke and broke.. until I had enough and I left...

Present Day - In two weeks I will be saying "yes" to the man that will be my future husband. A man that I met during my travels.. till this day I believe that this man was a gift from God sent to me to pick up the pieces of what was my broken heart.. God had answered my prayers with a man that showered me with love and tenderness when I had nothing .. no job, no direction, no home, no hope.. just me broken and in pain..

I feel like I have lived a life or two over within the past 3 years.. Since then I have reconciled with the man that broke my heart .. we continue our friendship the way we left off.. as soul mates.. nothing more and nothing less.. for the longest time I struggled with the knowledge that in one person was my soul mate and another my rock... how does one reconcile such a thing? you don't... and so this is my entry for tonight..

Pain blinded me to recognize what truly existed before my eyes... love... beyond form and matter.. time and space..

There exists a love between a husband and a wife... a bond that runs deeper and farther as you live your life with the other.. There exists a love between a soul and another soul... a bond that cannot be broken even if you were to never to see the other again.. I am lucky that I have both such loves in my life..(soul mates I have 2) .. truly lucky.

My poor boyfriend... He deals with all the craziness that goes on in my head... My boyfriend is the epitome of Mr. Stable. Me... I use to be Mrs. Stable.. until one day I realized that my life.. it ceased to have meaning.. I lost track of it all.. what was and is truly important in any of this dot period that is my life in this time and in this space. so I decided to go awaken my soul... only to later find that I missed the stability of having a job and a steady income and a steady place to call home.. I came back.. prematurely.. and now, I feel the pains of all this... My soul is half awake.. and it taunts me at night that this is not my life.. I find myself constantly discontent with everything that surrounds me.. and I can't help but wonder when did I become such a complainer? I feel like that is all I ever do these days in this city to my boyfriend to my friends... my poor boyfriend.. I am blessed for his patience.. he keeps asking me.. "what is it that you want?!" Answer: Nothing, Everything...

I shall post this entry as a reminder to myself one day that this was all part of my life's journey.. and when the day comes when I have found peace with my life, I shall remember this road I took and all the scorching gravel I laid my feet upon to find my way home...

I received a link to a fabulous short on Youtube the other day. I was engulfed in watching this video on my blackberry as I stepped unto the bus to head to work. (yes, I am still taking the bus to work) As I sat in the front of the bus enjoying my video I could sense the presence of the "eyes" upon me. The "eyes" it seems came from a bag lady sitting across from me. She kept staring and mumbling to herself. *mumble mumble mumble* As my enjoyable short film came to an end I quietly put my blackberry away and enjoyed the remaining 2 mins on the bus. In the corner of my eye I can sense that the "eyes" remained and the now I could hear the mumblings getting louder and louder. The bag lady starts rummaging through one of her bags when she suddenly takes out her disposable camera and to my surprise/horror starts taking photos of me. *Flash Flash*

Shane: EXCUSE ME!!! What are you doing?

Bag Lady: You know what you did wrong!! (no kidding in a friggin creepy voice)

Shane: WHAT THE?!?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! Can you STOP taking my picture lady?!

Bag Lady: No, I've seen you before on the bus with your *technology*. I'm going to take your picture and display it at the public library. Pictures of all you *technology* obsessed people!

Shane: STOP taking my picture! NOW!

Bag Lady: Why?? are you ashamed? You know what you did wrong!!

Shane: You better stop before I come over there and crack your head open and eat your brains with my chopsticks!

Okay, I didn't say the last line but the thought of going to her and grabbing her disposable camera and ripping the film like I was Sean Penn did cross my mind.

I must say.. is this how it feels to have your right to privacy violated? I'm sure this bag lady's technology rant/threat pales in comparison to let's say, getting caught naked in bed with your nanny .. but still.. I felt so friggin violated!!! and the worst part... for being "technology obsessed" ??? are you friggin kidding me?? ME?? the girl with a barely working phone, tv void, iphone/pod void, the list goes on void technologically UNsavy provincial accused of being technology obsessed?! I think that's the part that pissed me off the most!

Grrrr!!! Lurking cameras are officially banned in my book!!!!

Los Angeles... what is it about this city that makes me want to do nothing?! Is it the lack of a car? I don't think so.. even if I had a car there is nowhere in this city that I want to go..maybe to get a massage but I can literally walk there.. It's so sad.. I have lost my desire to go out.. It's official.. this city is killing my soul!!!

I recently returned from a 2 week trip to Europe.. ahhh.. Europe.. what is it about Europe that makes me want to do everything?!

Lately I find myself occupied by the thoughts of a house, a garden and a dog. I have begun dreaming about my soon to be life as a married woman. Of the house with the beautiful garden that we will live in.. and the dog(s) that I have been longing for for so long....and, of course, my future husband and his adoring tenderness. For someone like me to think of these things rather than my career ambitions, I can't help but wonder.. has Los Angeles killed my spirits of being a business woman?

Terrible I know.. It seems I am blaming this city for EVERYTHING... even for my thoughts of the white picket fence.. Yet!! Yet, not an ounce of regret for packing my bags and coming here.. it was what I needed at that time.. now that the time has passed .. what is next...

I feel like a revolving door. I believe today is the first day in months that I am able to sit alone in my apartment in silence. No guests to entertain, no Disneyland for the 4th consecutive week... geez louize...

So I never thought that I, Shane Boc, would ever be a fan of the mouse.. that is Mickey.. well, not really a fan of Mickey but a fan of what Mickey stands for.. I have met so many Disney fanatics since I have been here.. all of them adults.. I always thought that Disney was a child's world.. that parents and adults were more like coerced participants and observers. But on the contrary... its amazing to see people of every age be swept away by the magic of Disney.

Last night I met a man from Ethiopia. He had picked us up from the hotel to drive us to the airport. While coming home we spoke about family, career, and of course, Disney. He shared his dream of wanting to bring Disney to Africa. "It's just too expensive but still, children in my home country all know and love Disney". "Someday... " His comments reminded me of the gospel. How growing up I wanted to make it my life's mission to bring the gospel to the unreached people. Now, I find myself bringing my guests to Disneyland on a Sunday..but ironically with no guilt. Why? because in the end, the essence of what it is that I want to bring still remains..