I wish I had a camera with me all the time.. Yesterday I was standing outside my work building looking at what I have to say were some of the most beautiful cloud formations.. the sky looked like a perfect still painting.. but it was only when I focused my eyes closely that I could how much the clouds were moving.

So I haven't blogged in quite some time.. mainly because my life have been a one big mess. All the uncertainties plaguing me made me such a miserable and unhappy person. What am I going to do? Where I am going to live? These two questions - haunting!

Well, it seems all the months of stress and more stress end.. it took me a year (or more) but I am almost there..

Over the weekend, while at the Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena, I purchased my very first Buddha board.. I've seen these boards before and have occasionally dabbled in some obscure drawings but this time I decided to purchase one for myself.. I think it comes at a poignant time in my life.. this reminder of living in the moment...

For the past few months I had the privilege to have two of my closest friends stay with me here in LA.. at first I thought of three girls living in a Jr. bedroom apartment would be a clear recipe for disaster ... but to my surprise I have to say, it's been the best months of my life since moving here..

The truth of the matter is this... me.. my friends.. us .. now.. here.. will this ever happen again? will the three of us ever be able to have this time where we can enjoy living under the same roof in our mid-30s laughing, eating, watching, playing, talking throughout the wee hours of the night everyday... the truth of the matter is ... no.. most likely never again.. not like this..

It's not often I catch myself realizing the finiteness of time.. usually I am too busy with the day to day living to really appreciate that this day will never happen again once it has passed.. it could be maddening thinking about all the wasted time in one's life... the missed opportunities, the people in our lives we take for granted, words and actions you could have said and done.. too many of these have passed through my head.. but I have no choice but to just let them go and hope that I don't succumb to the same illusory ideology, that there's always next time...

Living in the moment... these few words have been the source of some of my greatest pleasures and torments...

To Time...

My life in this coast has been bearable for the past couple of months due to the arrival of my dear friends...if it weren't for them, I don't know how much longer I could have lasted here.. which brings me to my concerns, what the heck am I going to do when they leave?!!!

Often times I try to rationalize why certain things happen in my life.. I suppose my innate nature for reason and meaning. It has been exactly a year ago that I first called Los Angeles my new home.. and everyday for the past 365 days there was never a moment when the question, "why" did not cross my mind.. One can go crazy trying to find meaning in something that is not meant to be found now... for the time being, I try to enjoy the precious moments with my friends.. my co-workers, whom I have come to like very much... the weather, can't beat it... and of course, the stars...

From Drop Box

Digging it...

Every time I peruse the Etsy sight I can't help but wonder, will there be a time when we will no longer step outside our homes to get what we need? of course, my mind then wanders to the thought of how the real estate market would then just plummet with all the commercial real estate vacancy.. I see that already in Los Angeles.. you go down Sunset Blvd and it seems like every other store is for rent.. back to my point.. I can spend a whole day, or even a whole week looking through etsy and finding all these adorable and creative things that people have made... and then I step outside my home and I see all the commercial mass produced crap in the stores and I go back to feeling uninspired. How do things so shitty make its way to the masses? This goes beyond retail.. 3 words: Freddy got fingered... Shouldn't there be a point when a person should just stop and be like "what the hell are we doing?!" Ugh! Obviously not...

Anyhoot, when I see creative no-names getting their stuff out there through sites like Etsy, a little dash of hope sparks my cynical heart.. no more waiting for that day hoping for a big name company or a studio to come and recognize your potential.. you want to make art, you make it and release it yourself! Power to the people!!





Courtesy of : BeanTownHandmade

It is way past my bedtime yet I feel the need to write this entry on love... yes, love..

Tonight I recall a late evening in the summer of 2008.. I was sitting up in my bed in the middle of the night in total and complete anguish.. I remember looking up at the ceiling with tears profusely rolling down my face as I cried and pleaded for the pain in my heart to stop.. stop completely as if through divine intervention I would cease to feel anything at all... this was the first time ever I made such a plea as a result of a gravely wounded heart.. I was madly deeply unequivocally in love with a man.. he was my soul mate..the man I would one day start a family with and grow old together... I had never loved a man so much and adored someone as much as I did he..... unfortunately, "us" was not meant to be.. so my heart broke and broke.. until I had enough and I left...

Present Day - In two weeks I will be saying "yes" to the man that will be my future husband. A man that I met during my travels.. till this day I believe that this man was a gift from God sent to me to pick up the pieces of what was my broken heart.. God had answered my prayers with a man that showered me with love and tenderness when I had nothing .. no job, no direction, no home, no hope.. just me broken and in pain..

I feel like I have lived a life or two over within the past 3 years.. Since then I have reconciled with the man that broke my heart .. we continue our friendship the way we left off.. as soul mates.. nothing more and nothing less.. for the longest time I struggled with the knowledge that in one person was my soul mate and another my rock... how does one reconcile such a thing? you don't... and so this is my entry for tonight..

Pain blinded me to recognize what truly existed before my eyes... love... beyond form and matter.. time and space..

There exists a love between a husband and a wife... a bond that runs deeper and farther as you live your life with the other.. There exists a love between a soul and another soul... a bond that cannot be broken even if you were to never to see the other again.. I am lucky that I have both such loves in my life..(soul mates I have 2) .. truly lucky.

My poor boyfriend... He deals with all the craziness that goes on in my head... My boyfriend is the epitome of Mr. Stable. Me... I use to be Mrs. Stable.. until one day I realized that my life.. it ceased to have meaning.. I lost track of it all.. what was and is truly important in any of this dot period that is my life in this time and in this space. so I decided to go awaken my soul... only to later find that I missed the stability of having a job and a steady income and a steady place to call home.. I came back.. prematurely.. and now, I feel the pains of all this... My soul is half awake.. and it taunts me at night that this is not my life.. I find myself constantly discontent with everything that surrounds me.. and I can't help but wonder when did I become such a complainer? I feel like that is all I ever do these days in this city to my boyfriend to my friends... my poor boyfriend.. I am blessed for his patience.. he keeps asking me.. "what is it that you want?!" Answer: Nothing, Everything...

I shall post this entry as a reminder to myself one day that this was all part of my life's journey.. and when the day comes when I have found peace with my life, I shall remember this road I took and all the scorching gravel I laid my feet upon to find my way home...