Last night I had a dream that I returned to my high school. I remember walking down the empty corridor full of small lockers and old yet familiar classrooms. I came upon a door. I opened it and before me I saw a field full of teenage students.. on the left was a group of cheerleaders practicing their routine .. they blended with the group of athletes practicing their throws across the field.. on the right was a group of students neither athletes nor cheerleaders but in movement nonetheless.. there was so much life at every turn of my head... the life was so youthful.. so happy.. so innocent..

I suddenly felt a void in my heart as wide and deep as the universe.. I wanted to cry but I refrained because I knew I would never stop.

Instead I woke up.

Ever since finishing Siddhartha, I have eagerly sought the work of other Hermann Hesse's writings. Currently, I am reading the pages of Demian. Although it was already on my Hesse list, I escalated obtaining this book because it came highly recommended by JP.

I remember one of the last exhibitions I saw before leaving NYC was Carl Jung's Red Book at the Rubin Museum. Coincidentally, Hesse was a good friend of Jung and Jung's psychology is certainly an evident theme in the story of Demian. This constant search for one's unconscious self has been something that I have been battling with for quite some time.. I never really communicated these thoughts out loud when I was younger.. perhaps in fear that it was not allowed in the Chrisitan faith.. My thoughts resided often alone within the confines of my own silence. When it really began, I do not know. Perhaps when I first picked up one of the books by Heidegger at Strands many years ago. Or perhaps when I first started questionning about what it is that I believe.. or perhaps when my college boyfriend would spend hours talking about space and time.. or perhaps when I first decided to become a believer 20 years ago. Regardless, it appears that religion, spirituality, knowing, truth, whatever one may call it has been something that has consistently paralled to my existence for as long as I can remember. With that said, when I come across philosophers, poets and writers, who touch upon this topic with such clarity in their work, I cannot help but feel comforted knowing that this journey, albeit a looong and lonely one, has been walked many times before..

" ... The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world..."


Danke Hesse!

This weekend was rudely interrupted with a minor accident of my back.. Looking back it was pretty cliche : old age + shower = Shane pulling her back and being immobilized for the next 3 days.. Fortunately, my friends came over and nursed me into semi-decent shape.. Nonetheless, this whole experience reminded me that dammit - I'm getting old!!!!!! Pulled back at my age? Are you kidding me?!

Fortunately, the week progressed better. My friend from NYC was in town. We decided to meet up for dinner in Santa Monica. Sad to say, this was the first time I was on the beach since I moved here. It was nice.. the beach at night.. I should go more often..

Woman and Water



Tree and Woman



Woman and Umbrella



Ball and Man

So... here I am.. in good ole San Fran Cisco sitting at a local cafe plugged in doing my work while enjoying the laid back kinda life that is passing me by outside.... our hotel happens to be in union square/financial district.. yet.. I find it to be quite relaxed here.. even in the financial district.. is this normal? I thought there was no such thing as relaxed and finance in the same breath..

the past few days of exploring this city has been like a breath of fresh air. Well, with the exception of being forced to a 6:30 am meditation session.. who the heck gets up at 6:30 am while on holiday??! Well.. fortunately/unfortunately, one of my dearest friend happens to be that person.. I was pretty much forced/guilted into choosing between meditation at a nearby buddhist center or yoga! I opted for meditation.. it's much less strenous..physically at least.. but at the end it really wasn't since I had to friggin wake up so early!! In the end, it was all good.. it was quite rejuventaing in fact.. to meditate so early in the morning.. I guess this is how my mom feels everytime she goes to morning prayer at 5:30 am..

Okay, must head back to work.. will update photos in my next entry..

Great thing about living so close to work.. I can come home and take a lunch nap.

Now that I have a desk chair in my apartment I feel a whole lot better!! Right now I have two laptops set up in my cozy little office space.. yes, two.. one for my blogging and the other for work. I have completely underestimated the amount of "work" I would be doing in my new position. When I arrive in the morning I grab my coffee and jump into a meeting or a call. My stomach starts to growl and that's because it's already 2:00 pm!! What the freakin hell?! I guess it's better than waiting for the minutes to pass by but still.. what the freakin hell?? will this be another one of those jobs when you blink your eye and it's like 10 years later?!

So in a few weeks I will be back in NYC!! I must confess that this is the first time I have ever felt homesick.. when I mean homesick I mean I miss NYC!! There is nothing like the big apple man..! I miss the people hoarding the streets.. in LA there is no one on the streets.. a handful of pedestrians.. a handful of bikers.. ugh!! the streets of LA are lonely.. I will live it up in the big apple even if it's for a few days!!

Oh the good old days with Ben in NYC... ;)