Digging it...

Every time I peruse the Etsy sight I can't help but wonder, will there be a time when we will no longer step outside our homes to get what we need? of course, my mind then wanders to the thought of how the real estate market would then just plummet with all the commercial real estate vacancy.. I see that already in Los Angeles.. you go down Sunset Blvd and it seems like every other store is for rent.. back to my point.. I can spend a whole day, or even a whole week looking through etsy and finding all these adorable and creative things that people have made... and then I step outside my home and I see all the commercial mass produced crap in the stores and I go back to feeling uninspired. How do things so shitty make its way to the masses? This goes beyond retail.. 3 words: Freddy got fingered... Shouldn't there be a point when a person should just stop and be like "what the hell are we doing?!" Ugh! Obviously not...

Anyhoot, when I see creative no-names getting their stuff out there through sites like Etsy, a little dash of hope sparks my cynical heart.. no more waiting for that day hoping for a big name company or a studio to come and recognize your potential.. you want to make art, you make it and release it yourself! Power to the people!!





Courtesy of : BeanTownHandmade

It is way past my bedtime yet I feel the need to write this entry on love... yes, love..

Tonight I recall a late evening in the summer of 2008.. I was sitting up in my bed in the middle of the night in total and complete anguish.. I remember looking up at the ceiling with tears profusely rolling down my face as I cried and pleaded for the pain in my heart to stop.. stop completely as if through divine intervention I would cease to feel anything at all... this was the first time ever I made such a plea as a result of a gravely wounded heart.. I was madly deeply unequivocally in love with a man.. he was my soul mate..the man I would one day start a family with and grow old together... I had never loved a man so much and adored someone as much as I did he..... unfortunately, "us" was not meant to be.. so my heart broke and broke.. until I had enough and I left...

Present Day - In two weeks I will be saying "yes" to the man that will be my future husband. A man that I met during my travels.. till this day I believe that this man was a gift from God sent to me to pick up the pieces of what was my broken heart.. God had answered my prayers with a man that showered me with love and tenderness when I had nothing .. no job, no direction, no home, no hope.. just me broken and in pain..

I feel like I have lived a life or two over within the past 3 years.. Since then I have reconciled with the man that broke my heart .. we continue our friendship the way we left off.. as soul mates.. nothing more and nothing less.. for the longest time I struggled with the knowledge that in one person was my soul mate and another my rock... how does one reconcile such a thing? you don't... and so this is my entry for tonight..

Pain blinded me to recognize what truly existed before my eyes... love... beyond form and matter.. time and space..

There exists a love between a husband and a wife... a bond that runs deeper and farther as you live your life with the other.. There exists a love between a soul and another soul... a bond that cannot be broken even if you were to never to see the other again.. I am lucky that I have both such loves in my life..(soul mates I have 2) .. truly lucky.

My poor boyfriend... He deals with all the craziness that goes on in my head... My boyfriend is the epitome of Mr. Stable. Me... I use to be Mrs. Stable.. until one day I realized that my life.. it ceased to have meaning.. I lost track of it all.. what was and is truly important in any of this dot period that is my life in this time and in this space. so I decided to go awaken my soul... only to later find that I missed the stability of having a job and a steady income and a steady place to call home.. I came back.. prematurely.. and now, I feel the pains of all this... My soul is half awake.. and it taunts me at night that this is not my life.. I find myself constantly discontent with everything that surrounds me.. and I can't help but wonder when did I become such a complainer? I feel like that is all I ever do these days in this city to my boyfriend to my friends... my poor boyfriend.. I am blessed for his patience.. he keeps asking me.. "what is it that you want?!" Answer: Nothing, Everything...

I shall post this entry as a reminder to myself one day that this was all part of my life's journey.. and when the day comes when I have found peace with my life, I shall remember this road I took and all the scorching gravel I laid my feet upon to find my way home...

I received a link to a fabulous short on Youtube the other day. I was engulfed in watching this video on my blackberry as I stepped unto the bus to head to work. (yes, I am still taking the bus to work) As I sat in the front of the bus enjoying my video I could sense the presence of the "eyes" upon me. The "eyes" it seems came from a bag lady sitting across from me. She kept staring and mumbling to herself. *mumble mumble mumble* As my enjoyable short film came to an end I quietly put my blackberry away and enjoyed the remaining 2 mins on the bus. In the corner of my eye I can sense that the "eyes" remained and the now I could hear the mumblings getting louder and louder. The bag lady starts rummaging through one of her bags when she suddenly takes out her disposable camera and to my surprise/horror starts taking photos of me. *Flash Flash*

Shane: EXCUSE ME!!! What are you doing?

Bag Lady: You know what you did wrong!! (no kidding in a friggin creepy voice)

Shane: WHAT THE?!?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! Can you STOP taking my picture lady?!

Bag Lady: No, I've seen you before on the bus with your *technology*. I'm going to take your picture and display it at the public library. Pictures of all you *technology* obsessed people!

Shane: STOP taking my picture! NOW!

Bag Lady: Why?? are you ashamed? You know what you did wrong!!

Shane: You better stop before I come over there and crack your head open and eat your brains with my chopsticks!

Okay, I didn't say the last line but the thought of going to her and grabbing her disposable camera and ripping the film like I was Sean Penn did cross my mind.

I must say.. is this how it feels to have your right to privacy violated? I'm sure this bag lady's technology rant/threat pales in comparison to let's say, getting caught naked in bed with your nanny .. but still.. I felt so friggin violated!!! and the worst part... for being "technology obsessed" ??? are you friggin kidding me?? ME?? the girl with a barely working phone, tv void, iphone/pod void, the list goes on void technologically UNsavy provincial accused of being technology obsessed?! I think that's the part that pissed me off the most!

Grrrr!!! Lurking cameras are officially banned in my book!!!!

Los Angeles... what is it about this city that makes me want to do nothing?! Is it the lack of a car? I don't think so.. even if I had a car there is nowhere in this city that I want to go..maybe to get a massage but I can literally walk there.. It's so sad.. I have lost my desire to go out.. It's official.. this city is killing my soul!!!

I recently returned from a 2 week trip to Europe.. ahhh.. Europe.. what is it about Europe that makes me want to do everything?!

Lately I find myself occupied by the thoughts of a house, a garden and a dog. I have begun dreaming about my soon to be life as a married woman. Of the house with the beautiful garden that we will live in.. and the dog(s) that I have been longing for for so long....and, of course, my future husband and his adoring tenderness. For someone like me to think of these things rather than my career ambitions, I can't help but wonder.. has Los Angeles killed my spirits of being a business woman?

Terrible I know.. It seems I am blaming this city for EVERYTHING... even for my thoughts of the white picket fence.. Yet!! Yet, not an ounce of regret for packing my bags and coming here.. it was what I needed at that time.. now that the time has passed .. what is next...

I feel like a revolving door. I believe today is the first day in months that I am able to sit alone in my apartment in silence. No guests to entertain, no Disneyland for the 4th consecutive week... geez louize...

So I never thought that I, Shane Boc, would ever be a fan of the mouse.. that is Mickey.. well, not really a fan of Mickey but a fan of what Mickey stands for.. I have met so many Disney fanatics since I have been here.. all of them adults.. I always thought that Disney was a child's world.. that parents and adults were more like coerced participants and observers. But on the contrary... its amazing to see people of every age be swept away by the magic of Disney.

Last night I met a man from Ethiopia. He had picked us up from the hotel to drive us to the airport. While coming home we spoke about family, career, and of course, Disney. He shared his dream of wanting to bring Disney to Africa. "It's just too expensive but still, children in my home country all know and love Disney". "Someday... " His comments reminded me of the gospel. How growing up I wanted to make it my life's mission to bring the gospel to the unreached people. Now, I find myself bringing my guests to Disneyland on a Sunday..but ironically with no guilt. Why? because in the end, the essence of what it is that I want to bring still remains..

When the topic of drivers license comes up in a conversation most Angelinos still cannot grasp that I am living in Los Angeles without a drivers license. It's true, I don't blame them. Driving here is as common and essential as the subways and buses of new york city. Nonetheless, I am surviving.. I still don't find the need to have one. Yes, there are times when I wish I could get somewhere "faster" but at the end I always get to my destination.. and in the time spent somewhere between, I sit on the public transit and I just observe.. and reflect..


#1 Man with the Box

A man carrying a large box came on the bus with his friend the other day. I immediately noticed his fashion forward attire complimenting his tall slim frame. His hat tamed his dark curls and the rim slightly covered his eyes while only exposing his fabulous cheekbones and beautiful lips. He sat in front of me with his friend and I continued on with my occasional observations. What seemed at first a pretty stylish attire slowly began to unravel one butt cheek at a time. First of all, like most men who wear skinny jeans, they are able to pull off skinny jeans not only due to their skinny legs but also their lack of an actual ass. So when this guy's no ass butt crack slowly appeared in front of me I began to cringe.. Then it was his hands.. I thought I talked a lot with my hands but this guy made me look like an amputee. He was probably one of the most dramatic homosexuals I have seen ever! He could not sit still on the seat. His hands, arms, no ass ass, legs, they were all flying everywhere while he told his "oh my god its sooo important I'm going to die" story to his overly stoic and unamused friend. Due to his over exertion during his story telling, the man obviously started to perspire. So there he went, first taking off his jacket to expose his lanky arms and bird cage chest.. then it was his hat.. oh the hat!! the image of his dark luscious curls quickly vanished and was replaced by the crisco oil dressing that was his hair. The inside of the hat was discolored from all the grease and sweat.. The man began to brush his fingers through the crisco oil over and over and over and over again while taking a few moments out to collect his dander, sut, and all the hair falling out.. My god, I wanted to vomit..

He continued on with his story, his hair, his butt cheek while opening the lid to the large box. Inside the box - vintage everything.. vintage purses, vintage scarves, vintage belts, vintage shoes... every item had a label.. it looked like he just ransacked a salvation army.. the man continued rummaging through the box. He finally found a pair of black leather vintage shoes. Unfortunately, these shoes were true to its description as they both had enormous holes on the soles.. The man proceeded to take off his own shoes exposing his deathly stained green stripped socks with his unclipped toenails punching through the multiple holes of the fabric.. my nose started to twitch.. the smell.. oh my gosh the smell!!! He took off his shoes and replaced it with the new shoes leaking the smell of his socks and feet through the holes of the soles.. I was about to vomit..

what started off as a sight of beauty ended as a journey of disillusionment and physical torment. I felt like I had stared at a beautiful painting too long.. and slowly began to see all the cracks and imperfections.. but the truth is the cracks and imperfections existed all along, I was just blinded by all the surface of things.. these moments of forced observations and reflections remind me that I need to stop looking at the surface and observe further..





#2 The old man with the thunderous voice

To be continued..

How is it that I can come down with a flu-like virus here in sunny california and not during the dead cold of winter in the state of new york?! ummm.. craziness!!

Speaking of New York, I had a little taste of brooklyn over the weekend when The National came to play at the Wiltern! Fortunately I was able to get tix at the last minute.. It was nice.. to hear Matt Berninger's baritonic (is that even a word??) voice again.. Good times!

On a side note, what is up with Angelino's obsession with food trucks?! I went to an outdoor music festival over the weekend in Silver lake.. present at this festival were trucks after trucks after trucks of food!!! Every time a food truck comes to the Disney building there is a mass email to the entire building. For real?? I think the food truck people in NYC get a bad rep! They should all come to LA where they can be superstars!!

Mr. Baritone..

So now it's going on 3 months since I have been here.. this new city that I call home. For the past several months I have been busy basking in the pleasant weather and enjoying the company of my dear friends. However, hidden underneath the daily distractions of my life, a question keeps lurking in my head over and over, "why am I really here??".

This reminds me of the movie - A Serious Man. The main character is an ordinary man having a life crisis. He wants balance in his life once again and consults with three rabbis in trying to understand meaning in life or perhaps the world. The first rabbi, young and least experienced, tries to give him a reason - look at the bright side. The second rabbi, a bit more senior, tells a story with no answer to the central mystery of the story. It leaves the man more frustrated than before. The last rabbi, the most senior and respected, doesn't even take a moment to meet with the man despite his several attempts. The last rabbi's few words spoken throughout the entire movie is to the son of the man who had just completed his bar mitzvah. In his chambers the rabbi tells the boy to just lead a good life. Although the problems of the main character eventually subsides, the movie ends with an ominous tornado heading straight towards the town.

At times I feel like the young rabbi - always trying to give and find a logical answer to the questions that plague me. But the second rabbi tells us that there are no answers to the mysteries while the last rabbi tells us its not worth even spending your time racking your brains over, why? because at the end a tornado is coming that will wipe out everything else in comparison.

As such, sometime I wonder, why even ask why? Just do. Just try to live a good life. It's that simple.

For your mental consideration:

Last night I had a dream that I returned to my high school. I remember walking down the empty corridor full of small lockers and old yet familiar classrooms. I came upon a door. I opened it and before me I saw a field full of teenage students.. on the left was a group of cheerleaders practicing their routine .. they blended with the group of athletes practicing their throws across the field.. on the right was a group of students neither athletes nor cheerleaders but in movement nonetheless.. there was so much life at every turn of my head... the life was so youthful.. so happy.. so innocent..

I suddenly felt a void in my heart as wide and deep as the universe.. I wanted to cry but I refrained because I knew I would never stop.

Instead I woke up.

Ever since finishing Siddhartha, I have eagerly sought the work of other Hermann Hesse's writings. Currently, I am reading the pages of Demian. Although it was already on my Hesse list, I escalated obtaining this book because it came highly recommended by JP.

I remember one of the last exhibitions I saw before leaving NYC was Carl Jung's Red Book at the Rubin Museum. Coincidentally, Hesse was a good friend of Jung and Jung's psychology is certainly an evident theme in the story of Demian. This constant search for one's unconscious self has been something that I have been battling with for quite some time.. I never really communicated these thoughts out loud when I was younger.. perhaps in fear that it was not allowed in the Chrisitan faith.. My thoughts resided often alone within the confines of my own silence. When it really began, I do not know. Perhaps when I first picked up one of the books by Heidegger at Strands many years ago. Or perhaps when I first started questionning about what it is that I believe.. or perhaps when my college boyfriend would spend hours talking about space and time.. or perhaps when I first decided to become a believer 20 years ago. Regardless, it appears that religion, spirituality, knowing, truth, whatever one may call it has been something that has consistently paralled to my existence for as long as I can remember. With that said, when I come across philosophers, poets and writers, who touch upon this topic with such clarity in their work, I cannot help but feel comforted knowing that this journey, albeit a looong and lonely one, has been walked many times before..

" ... The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world..."


Danke Hesse!

This weekend was rudely interrupted with a minor accident of my back.. Looking back it was pretty cliche : old age + shower = Shane pulling her back and being immobilized for the next 3 days.. Fortunately, my friends came over and nursed me into semi-decent shape.. Nonetheless, this whole experience reminded me that dammit - I'm getting old!!!!!! Pulled back at my age? Are you kidding me?!

Fortunately, the week progressed better. My friend from NYC was in town. We decided to meet up for dinner in Santa Monica. Sad to say, this was the first time I was on the beach since I moved here. It was nice.. the beach at night.. I should go more often..

Woman and Water



Tree and Woman



Woman and Umbrella



Ball and Man

So... here I am.. in good ole San Fran Cisco sitting at a local cafe plugged in doing my work while enjoying the laid back kinda life that is passing me by outside.... our hotel happens to be in union square/financial district.. yet.. I find it to be quite relaxed here.. even in the financial district.. is this normal? I thought there was no such thing as relaxed and finance in the same breath..

the past few days of exploring this city has been like a breath of fresh air. Well, with the exception of being forced to a 6:30 am meditation session.. who the heck gets up at 6:30 am while on holiday??! Well.. fortunately/unfortunately, one of my dearest friend happens to be that person.. I was pretty much forced/guilted into choosing between meditation at a nearby buddhist center or yoga! I opted for meditation.. it's much less strenous..physically at least.. but at the end it really wasn't since I had to friggin wake up so early!! In the end, it was all good.. it was quite rejuventaing in fact.. to meditate so early in the morning.. I guess this is how my mom feels everytime she goes to morning prayer at 5:30 am..

Okay, must head back to work.. will update photos in my next entry..

Great thing about living so close to work.. I can come home and take a lunch nap.

Now that I have a desk chair in my apartment I feel a whole lot better!! Right now I have two laptops set up in my cozy little office space.. yes, two.. one for my blogging and the other for work. I have completely underestimated the amount of "work" I would be doing in my new position. When I arrive in the morning I grab my coffee and jump into a meeting or a call. My stomach starts to growl and that's because it's already 2:00 pm!! What the freakin hell?! I guess it's better than waiting for the minutes to pass by but still.. what the freakin hell?? will this be another one of those jobs when you blink your eye and it's like 10 years later?!

So in a few weeks I will be back in NYC!! I must confess that this is the first time I have ever felt homesick.. when I mean homesick I mean I miss NYC!! There is nothing like the big apple man..! I miss the people hoarding the streets.. in LA there is no one on the streets.. a handful of pedestrians.. a handful of bikers.. ugh!! the streets of LA are lonely.. I will live it up in the big apple even if it's for a few days!!

Oh the good old days with Ben in NYC... ;)

Finding the time to post an entry these days has been a battle.. work is busy but I'm not complaining.. why? because I actually enjoy what I am doing and I enjoy the people I work with. The company is fun and relaxed.. fortunately, this allows the work day to fly by.. but once I get home, that's a whole different story.

My apartment is still lifeless. I spent the day today buying a chair and assembling it. Yes, that was the highlight of my day. I am very happy that I have a desk chair. I can finally set up my computer and blog (among other things).

Tomorrow I am starting my flex hours. I have yet to wrap my mind around the fact that it has been less than a month of employment and I am already working from home once a week. Perhaps I can move to Europe and still keep my job! ;) Did I mention that I like my new job?!

Yesterday, I went to a farm to pick some strawberries. During the tour we had the opportunity to taste fresh vegetables.. My gosh I didn't know spinach can taste soooo friggin good.. it was sweet and crunchy and I suddenly just wanted to say adios to beef from that instant on! But, of course, all highs must eventually rejoin the realm of reason - in this case, korean bbq!! This talk of food is making me hungry. It's been a long day .. time to go relax.

I feel like I'm working at Google.. the office space in my department is situated in what appears to look like a one big industrial loft.. coupled with, we get unlimited beverages and starbucks coffee.. if only we can get those bouncing balls to sit on during the day... and, of course, the massage stations..

Yesterday I received my refridgerator.. yes, refridgerator.. one might wonder why it took me this long to get one.. well, it appears in Los Angeles most apartments do not come with a fridge.. WTH you say? yeah, EXACTLY!!! Anyways, I'm done scratching my head over this no-fridge thing .. now I need to focus on how to stock up my fridge with yummies.. the past few days have been torture with no food to go to when I get home.. I missed my mom's home cooking.. speaking of home cooking, it's a drag that there is no korean restaurants around here.. WTH??!? This is LA dammit!

I still can't wrap my arms around the fact that when I step outside every morning the weather is just perfect!!! Since it is their "winter" season, it is apparently very "cold" here right now.. well, if this is considered cold then sign me up baby!!

Needless to say, I am quickly getting use to all this west coast style of living.. or perhaps its my new job.. overall, life seems to be really laid back here and if anything, I feel like the only one strung out from my New York lifestyle..

I like Switzerland. I first liked Lusanne until I went to Geneva and thought Geneva was better.. but then I went to Zurich and I concluded Zurich was the best of the three cities we visited... Zurich is fun, clean, hip, old, new.. although, there were a few unusual observations I feel compelled to mention:

1. Intermission - While watching Ghost Writer in one of the theaters in Zurich, I experienced my very first movie intermission. Actually, I never even knew that there were such things.. but yes, right in the smack middle of the film, during what appeared to be one of the most random scenes, the film just stopped! Stopped, the lights turned on and everyone started to exit.. what the freakin heck?! talk about breaking the flow of a movie.. We found out the following day that this is quite common in Zurich.. or even perhaps in Switzerland.. how odd!

2. Expensive - Switzerland is expensive!!! Our sushi lunch that consisted of edamame and a few rolls came out to a whopping $100! What the freakin heck?!?!

3. H&M - The Swiss love their H&M. It's like starbucks.. it's on every corner! In the main shopping square in the city, I found two (2) H&Ms on the SAME BLOCK!

4. Smoking - It's been a long time since I sat in an ash tray. Yes, smoking is allowed everywhere.

5. Pets - I still can't wrap my arms around the fact that I'm staring at a boston terrier while eating my spaghetti carbonara. It appears pets are allowed to dine along their human counterparts in restaurants throughout the country. Surprisingly, all the dogs that I saw in the restaurants were extremely well-behaved.. perhaps they are just use to this.. but I, on the other hand, was still puzzled.

Okay, I'm sure there are a few more observations worth mentioning but these are just a few off the top of my head. Nevertheless, I would like to return to Switzerland.. the Swiss are clean and freakin organized! I like it!

Oh, I'm sure I don't have to mention about the watches.. ahhh.. too many freakin tic tocs!!

I have heard from several different people that as they grow older they find themselves craving rice everyday. Of course, I had my share of rice attacks during my travels.. but that was nothing compared to my mom`s need for korean food during this trip.. her appetite for korean food was out of control. it started in brussels and it continued to paris.. she started to get so desperate she would stop and ask anyone on the street that looked remotely asian if they knew of a korean restaurant in the area.. her desperation was at its peak when she would peep into grocery stores and dry cleaners for any sign of koreans... we quickly found out that koreans in paris do not run groceries and dry cleaners.. but, of course, that didnt stop my mom from hoping. I found this all very amusing.. my mom...with me in paris.. in search of kimchi and rice..

I am happy to report that we eventually found a korean restaurant.. surprisingly, it was right down the block from our hotel. I should have taken a photo of my mom when she swallowed her first scoop of seafood tofu soup.. she looked like a women who had finally arrived to her destination after a very long journey..

Im writing this entry on a Mac pc with european keyboard..its tough!

Im in Paris and its snowing outside.. there is a nice parisian cafe outside the hotel and I was tempted to make my way over for a night cap.. thats tea and biscuits in parka language.. but then the thought of battling the snow dissuaded my lazy bum.. its been a long day. We took a bus from brussels to paris this morning.. the bus was suppose to depart at 9:30 am.. in brussels that means noon.. we finally arrived to paris and the weather was nice and brisk.. now where in the world did this snow come from??

while in brussels I visited the Margritte museum.. sometimes I wonder if its because of Margritte I keep including brussels in my european excursions.. I was so delighted when the museum finally opened last year.. the little side corner of his work displayed in the museum of moderne art in bruxelles did not serve justice.. I hope to post photos of me and rene shortly..

In the meantime... I shall get some tea..

As always, I leave everything to the last minute.. will this habit of mine ever change? I am leaving for Europe this Friday right after work.. I will be returning on the 22nd only to depart for LA on the 23rd... It still mind-boggles me that I have not packed for ANYTHING!!! Not for Europe, not for LA = Nada!! I think I am in denial! That or I am pushing the limits of my procrastination... I must get some sick satisfaction out of tight schedules.. it's like back in 2008.. my last day of work at Citi was on the 5th and I jumped on a plane the next morning for my travels..

On a side note, I find myself reflecting about relationships these days.. perhaps because I will not be seeing the regular faces of my life for the next few years.. I thought of all the people that have come and gone throughout my life .. and then thought of all the things I was suppose to do but never ended up doing.. like seeing my last boss from Citigroup for lunch, buying birthday gifts for like 10 people, taking my nieces to the planetarium, sending my writing to friends, meeting up with my old co-workers.. etc. etc.. the list goes on.. I just always assumed I would take care of them in my own time.. but it appears that time has already passed me by.. I suppose these are the regrets that result from this wretched habit called procrastination.. Of course, I am an optimist and I truly believe deep down I will eventually do everything that I am suppose to do for the people that have done so back to me.. but would that matter when things have already been forgotten...

I shall reflect some more as I look forward to my trip to Geneva..

Switzerland in Winter...

So... as I count down the days to my departure, I find myself reflecting on the following thoughts:

1. Belongings - I have not a lot of such. As I commence my packing list I have come to the conclusion that I just don't have a lot of things worth taking.. It appears at this point, I will just be hopping on a plane (versus cross country drive) and checking in just one luggage bag full of books, some clothes, and a little bit of misc. items... I can't seem to wrap myself around this... how could I, in my 30+ years of existence, only accumulated one bag worth of real belongings? Have I truly amassed nothing worth of value throughout my days? or have I just come to the realization that most of the things that we do amass in our lives are really of no true value worth taking on your journey..

2. Friends - I have not a lot of such. As I count down the days before I will cease looking at the many recognizable faces, I couldn't help but wonder which faces I will truly miss seeing. It quickly dawned on me, not a whole lot. Have I really amassed no true friends throughout my days? or have I also just come to the realization that true friends are as sparse as the bag of belongings you find yourself taking on your journey.

3. Too Much Alcohol - Nothing good can come out of it!!

Everything is moving so fast it seems... My move to Los Angeles has still not registered in my mind... perhaps when I finally get a place to live it will hit me.. speaking of which, apartment shopping is a drag when you're not there to actually look at the apartment.. thank god Jen is there to be my eyes and ears.. I thought of just finding a nice loft space to rent but now, since it appears so many people are already "booked" to come stay with me throughout the year, I am considering renting a 2 bedroom.. visitor peer pressure!

So, my last official day in the east coast is next Friday.. once I finish work I will be jumping on a plane to Frankfurt.. my mom has decided to accompany me this time for a "mother-daughter" europe trip.. this should be interesting! I will update photos as often as I can..

Once I get back from Europe in the last week of February, I will then jump on a plane with my limited belongings for LA. So for all my friends and family - it's been fantabulous!!! Feel free to ring ring if you happen to be in the hood.. most likely I will have a bedroom for you! ;)

Hugs.

So during my preliminary preparation for the roadtrip last month I decided to go online and conduct a search for "traveling circus freak show". Why I ever thought I could find one during my trip was beyond me. Wishful thinking I suppose.

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic today. It could be a result of past people in my life popping up in my dreams the other night. Either way, I suddenly thought of traveling circus freak shows, and how I have always preferred the nineteenth and early twentieth century rather than the present.

So now I'm a bonafide Hesse fan. I have ventured to my next book, Steppenwolf. In one chapter, Hesse writes how his main character, Steppenwolf, passes by a small theater with the following sign: "Not for Everyone".... "For Madmen Only"... I swear I think my heart pumped up a hundred notch with aching morbid curiosity... The hidden chambers of my sick brain suddenly swung open with unleashing fantasies and ideas of what could be in this theater.. Okay, I have not yet reached far enough in the book to find out more.. but for now, the thoughts of "Not for everyone, for madmen only" keeps ringing in my ear... Gosh, I wish things like that existed today.. perhaps they do.. I don't know..

My friend asked me last night whether I have been to this bar that is hidden behind some phone booth in a hotdog joint!?! Apparently, you enter the phone booth and then you call some number and give them your name.. a few moments later, apparently this back door opens and you are able to enter into this hidden room... I then vaguely recalled reading about this place in some magazine.. but I had no desire to go to such a place.. perhaps I would have when I was younger but now, like all the other pretentious "hidden" joints in and around the city, the mystique only lasts for so long...

why? because in the end, its all about the money man! You can make it a secret or "exclusive" only for so long before having to open the floodgates of wanna be starfuckers and weekend jersey girls (and boys) to get inside.. meanwhile, the fact of the matter is, every star has probably made their way in and is off to the next big cheap thrill.. never to set foot into the phone booth ever again..

What's my point?! where is the exclusivity anymore?! can a theater that is open for madmen only really be out there? a place where no matter how little the patronage inside may be, you still won't let the sanemen in?! Okay, its highly unlikely I, too, would ever be able to set my foot in such a place either but that's not the point.. I can at least be like the Steppenwolf and take a glimpse from the outside and have my less than mad brain take it from there..

too much info, not enough mystery... oh well.. off I am.

In the meantime, happy thoughts.