How is it that I can come down with a flu-like virus here in sunny california and not during the dead cold of winter in the state of new york?! ummm.. craziness!!

Speaking of New York, I had a little taste of brooklyn over the weekend when The National came to play at the Wiltern! Fortunately I was able to get tix at the last minute.. It was nice.. to hear Matt Berninger's baritonic (is that even a word??) voice again.. Good times!

On a side note, what is up with Angelino's obsession with food trucks?! I went to an outdoor music festival over the weekend in Silver lake.. present at this festival were trucks after trucks after trucks of food!!! Every time a food truck comes to the Disney building there is a mass email to the entire building. For real?? I think the food truck people in NYC get a bad rep! They should all come to LA where they can be superstars!!

Mr. Baritone..

So now it's going on 3 months since I have been here.. this new city that I call home. For the past several months I have been busy basking in the pleasant weather and enjoying the company of my dear friends. However, hidden underneath the daily distractions of my life, a question keeps lurking in my head over and over, "why am I really here??".

This reminds me of the movie - A Serious Man. The main character is an ordinary man having a life crisis. He wants balance in his life once again and consults with three rabbis in trying to understand meaning in life or perhaps the world. The first rabbi, young and least experienced, tries to give him a reason - look at the bright side. The second rabbi, a bit more senior, tells a story with no answer to the central mystery of the story. It leaves the man more frustrated than before. The last rabbi, the most senior and respected, doesn't even take a moment to meet with the man despite his several attempts. The last rabbi's few words spoken throughout the entire movie is to the son of the man who had just completed his bar mitzvah. In his chambers the rabbi tells the boy to just lead a good life. Although the problems of the main character eventually subsides, the movie ends with an ominous tornado heading straight towards the town.

At times I feel like the young rabbi - always trying to give and find a logical answer to the questions that plague me. But the second rabbi tells us that there are no answers to the mysteries while the last rabbi tells us its not worth even spending your time racking your brains over, why? because at the end a tornado is coming that will wipe out everything else in comparison.

As such, sometime I wonder, why even ask why? Just do. Just try to live a good life. It's that simple.

For your mental consideration:

Last night I had a dream that I returned to my high school. I remember walking down the empty corridor full of small lockers and old yet familiar classrooms. I came upon a door. I opened it and before me I saw a field full of teenage students.. on the left was a group of cheerleaders practicing their routine .. they blended with the group of athletes practicing their throws across the field.. on the right was a group of students neither athletes nor cheerleaders but in movement nonetheless.. there was so much life at every turn of my head... the life was so youthful.. so happy.. so innocent..

I suddenly felt a void in my heart as wide and deep as the universe.. I wanted to cry but I refrained because I knew I would never stop.

Instead I woke up.

Ever since finishing Siddhartha, I have eagerly sought the work of other Hermann Hesse's writings. Currently, I am reading the pages of Demian. Although it was already on my Hesse list, I escalated obtaining this book because it came highly recommended by JP.

I remember one of the last exhibitions I saw before leaving NYC was Carl Jung's Red Book at the Rubin Museum. Coincidentally, Hesse was a good friend of Jung and Jung's psychology is certainly an evident theme in the story of Demian. This constant search for one's unconscious self has been something that I have been battling with for quite some time.. I never really communicated these thoughts out loud when I was younger.. perhaps in fear that it was not allowed in the Chrisitan faith.. My thoughts resided often alone within the confines of my own silence. When it really began, I do not know. Perhaps when I first picked up one of the books by Heidegger at Strands many years ago. Or perhaps when I first started questionning about what it is that I believe.. or perhaps when my college boyfriend would spend hours talking about space and time.. or perhaps when I first decided to become a believer 20 years ago. Regardless, it appears that religion, spirituality, knowing, truth, whatever one may call it has been something that has consistently paralled to my existence for as long as I can remember. With that said, when I come across philosophers, poets and writers, who touch upon this topic with such clarity in their work, I cannot help but feel comforted knowing that this journey, albeit a looong and lonely one, has been walked many times before..

" ... The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world..."


Danke Hesse!