My poor boyfriend... He deals with all the craziness that goes on in my head... My boyfriend is the epitome of Mr. Stable. Me... I use to be Mrs. Stable.. until one day I realized that my life.. it ceased to have meaning.. I lost track of it all.. what was and is truly important in any of this dot period that is my life in this time and in this space. so I decided to go awaken my soul... only to later find that I missed the stability of having a job and a steady income and a steady place to call home.. I came back.. prematurely.. and now, I feel the pains of all this... My soul is half awake.. and it taunts me at night that this is not my life.. I find myself constantly discontent with everything that surrounds me.. and I can't help but wonder when did I become such a complainer? I feel like that is all I ever do these days in this city to my boyfriend to my friends... my poor boyfriend.. I am blessed for his patience.. he keeps asking me.. "what is it that you want?!" Answer: Nothing, Everything...

I shall post this entry as a reminder to myself one day that this was all part of my life's journey.. and when the day comes when I have found peace with my life, I shall remember this road I took and all the scorching gravel I laid my feet upon to find my way home...

I received a link to a fabulous short on Youtube the other day. I was engulfed in watching this video on my blackberry as I stepped unto the bus to head to work. (yes, I am still taking the bus to work) As I sat in the front of the bus enjoying my video I could sense the presence of the "eyes" upon me. The "eyes" it seems came from a bag lady sitting across from me. She kept staring and mumbling to herself. *mumble mumble mumble* As my enjoyable short film came to an end I quietly put my blackberry away and enjoyed the remaining 2 mins on the bus. In the corner of my eye I can sense that the "eyes" remained and the now I could hear the mumblings getting louder and louder. The bag lady starts rummaging through one of her bags when she suddenly takes out her disposable camera and to my surprise/horror starts taking photos of me. *Flash Flash*

Shane: EXCUSE ME!!! What are you doing?

Bag Lady: You know what you did wrong!! (no kidding in a friggin creepy voice)

Shane: WHAT THE?!?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! Can you STOP taking my picture lady?!

Bag Lady: No, I've seen you before on the bus with your *technology*. I'm going to take your picture and display it at the public library. Pictures of all you *technology* obsessed people!

Shane: STOP taking my picture! NOW!

Bag Lady: Why?? are you ashamed? You know what you did wrong!!

Shane: You better stop before I come over there and crack your head open and eat your brains with my chopsticks!

Okay, I didn't say the last line but the thought of going to her and grabbing her disposable camera and ripping the film like I was Sean Penn did cross my mind.

I must say.. is this how it feels to have your right to privacy violated? I'm sure this bag lady's technology rant/threat pales in comparison to let's say, getting caught naked in bed with your nanny .. but still.. I felt so friggin violated!!! and the worst part... for being "technology obsessed" ??? are you friggin kidding me?? ME?? the girl with a barely working phone, tv void, iphone/pod void, the list goes on void technologically UNsavy provincial accused of being technology obsessed?! I think that's the part that pissed me off the most!

Grrrr!!! Lurking cameras are officially banned in my book!!!!

Los Angeles... what is it about this city that makes me want to do nothing?! Is it the lack of a car? I don't think so.. even if I had a car there is nowhere in this city that I want to go..maybe to get a massage but I can literally walk there.. It's so sad.. I have lost my desire to go out.. It's official.. this city is killing my soul!!!

I recently returned from a 2 week trip to Europe.. ahhh.. Europe.. what is it about Europe that makes me want to do everything?!

Lately I find myself occupied by the thoughts of a house, a garden and a dog. I have begun dreaming about my soon to be life as a married woman. Of the house with the beautiful garden that we will live in.. and the dog(s) that I have been longing for for so long....and, of course, my future husband and his adoring tenderness. For someone like me to think of these things rather than my career ambitions, I can't help but wonder.. has Los Angeles killed my spirits of being a business woman?

Terrible I know.. It seems I am blaming this city for EVERYTHING... even for my thoughts of the white picket fence.. Yet!! Yet, not an ounce of regret for packing my bags and coming here.. it was what I needed at that time.. now that the time has passed .. what is next...