As always, I leave everything to the last minute.. will this habit of mine ever change? I am leaving for Europe this Friday right after work.. I will be returning on the 22nd only to depart for LA on the 23rd... It still mind-boggles me that I have not packed for ANYTHING!!! Not for Europe, not for LA = Nada!! I think I am in denial! That or I am pushing the limits of my procrastination... I must get some sick satisfaction out of tight schedules.. it's like back in 2008.. my last day of work at Citi was on the 5th and I jumped on a plane the next morning for my travels..
On a side note, I find myself reflecting about relationships these days.. perhaps because I will not be seeing the regular faces of my life for the next few years.. I thought of all the people that have come and gone throughout my life .. and then thought of all the things I was suppose to do but never ended up doing.. like seeing my last boss from Citigroup for lunch, buying birthday gifts for like 10 people, taking my nieces to the planetarium, sending my writing to friends, meeting up with my old co-workers.. etc. etc.. the list goes on.. I just always assumed I would take care of them in my own time.. but it appears that time has already passed me by.. I suppose these are the regrets that result from this wretched habit called procrastination.. Of course, I am an optimist and I truly believe deep down I will eventually do everything that I am suppose to do for the people that have done so back to me.. but would that matter when things have already been forgotten...
I shall reflect some more as I look forward to my trip to Geneva..
Switzerland in Winter... 
So... as I count down the days to my departure, I find myself reflecting on the following thoughts:
1. Belongings - I have not a lot of such. As I commence my packing list I have come to the conclusion that I just don't have a lot of things worth taking.. It appears at this point, I will just be hopping on a plane (versus cross country drive) and checking in just one luggage bag full of books, some clothes, and a little bit of misc. items... I can't seem to wrap myself around this... how could I, in my 30+ years of existence, only accumulated one bag worth of real belongings? Have I truly amassed nothing worth of value throughout my days? or have I just come to the realization that most of the things that we do amass in our lives are really of no true value worth taking on your journey..
2. Friends - I have not a lot of such. As I count down the days before I will cease looking at the many recognizable faces, I couldn't help but wonder which faces I will truly miss seeing. It quickly dawned on me, not a whole lot. Have I really amassed no true friends throughout my days? or have I also just come to the realization that true friends are as sparse as the bag of belongings you find yourself taking on your journey.
3. Too Much Alcohol - Nothing good can come out of it!!
Everything is moving so fast it seems... My move to Los Angeles has still not registered in my mind... perhaps when I finally get a place to live it will hit me.. speaking of which, apartment shopping is a drag when you're not there to actually look at the apartment.. thank god Jen is there to be my eyes and ears.. I thought of just finding a nice loft space to rent but now, since it appears so many people are already "booked" to come stay with me throughout the year, I am considering renting a 2 bedroom.. visitor peer pressure!
So, my last official day in the east coast is next Friday.. once I finish work I will be jumping on a plane to Frankfurt.. my mom has decided to accompany me this time for a "mother-daughter" europe trip.. this should be interesting! I will update photos as often as I can..
Once I get back from Europe in the last week of February, I will then jump on a plane with my limited belongings for LA. So for all my friends and family - it's been fantabulous!!! Feel free to ring ring if you happen to be in the hood.. most likely I will have a bedroom for you! ;)
Hugs.
So during my preliminary preparation for the roadtrip last month I decided to go online and conduct a search for "traveling circus freak show". Why I ever thought I could find one during my trip was beyond me. Wishful thinking I suppose.
I'm feeling a bit nostalgic today. It could be a result of past people in my life popping up in my dreams the other night. Either way, I suddenly thought of traveling circus freak shows, and how I have always preferred the nineteenth and early twentieth century rather than the present.
So now I'm a bonafide Hesse fan. I have ventured to my next book, Steppenwolf. In one chapter, Hesse writes how his main character, Steppenwolf, passes by a small theater with the following sign: "Not for Everyone".... "For Madmen Only"... I swear I think my heart pumped up a hundred notch with aching morbid curiosity... The hidden chambers of my sick brain suddenly swung open with unleashing fantasies and ideas of what could be in this theater.. Okay, I have not yet reached far enough in the book to find out more.. but for now, the thoughts of "Not for everyone, for madmen only" keeps ringing in my ear... Gosh, I wish things like that existed today.. perhaps they do.. I don't know..
My friend asked me last night whether I have been to this bar that is hidden behind some phone booth in a hotdog joint!?! Apparently, you enter the phone booth and then you call some number and give them your name.. a few moments later, apparently this back door opens and you are able to enter into this hidden room... I then vaguely recalled reading about this place in some magazine.. but I had no desire to go to such a place.. perhaps I would have when I was younger but now, like all the other pretentious "hidden" joints in and around the city, the mystique only lasts for so long...
why? because in the end, its all about the money man! You can make it a secret or "exclusive" only for so long before having to open the floodgates of wanna be starfuckers and weekend jersey girls (and boys) to get inside.. meanwhile, the fact of the matter is, every star has probably made their way in and is off to the next big cheap thrill.. never to set foot into the phone booth ever again..
What's my point?! where is the exclusivity anymore?! can a theater that is open for madmen only really be out there? a place where no matter how little the patronage inside may be, you still won't let the sanemen in?! Okay, its highly unlikely I, too, would ever be able to set my foot in such a place either but that's not the point.. I can at least be like the Steppenwolf and take a glimpse from the outside and have my less than mad brain take it from there..
too much info, not enough mystery... oh well.. off I am.
In the meantime, happy thoughts.
I am sooooo happy that 2009 is winding down. Looking back, I found it to be quite unfulfilling this 2009.
Last night I stayed up into the wee hours of the night reading Hesse's Siddhartha. How wonderful it was, I thought. So much so that I wanted to jump out of bed and start a new day..a new life.. 2010, I wish for much better awakening in my soul.
Happy New Year!
It appears I have high blood pressure. I first thought it was a mistake but after 4 tries, my blood pressure consistently measured at "oh my god, I'm too young for high blood pressure" high.. could it be from all the tension that has been amassing near and around my neck? no, that's perhaps the result of high blood pressure.. could it be from the sleepless nights of staring at the ceiling wondering 'what the heck am I doing' thoughts? or could it be the lack of exercise and salty food I consume everyday? Well, perhaps its all of the above. Either way, I need to stop it all!
My co-worker told me today that he was going to quit smoking.. "Why all of a sudden?" I asked.. "Chest pains!", he responded. Ahhh... yes... the chest pains.. Well, my yellow light was the high blood pressure... I'm glad we both stopped at the yellow before seeing the red.
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